God has been teaching me some powerful lessons lately,
though many of them have been painful. We live in a society, even among
Christians, where the prevailing thought is often “I cannot and will not be
happy unless I am in a dating (or whatever you call it) relationship with
someone.” This is not right, and this must not be a mindset adopted by children
of God.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think a day goes by where I
don’t hurt on some level because I am single. It’s lonely sometimes… but not
all the time. God has helped me recently to start focusing on some of the
advantages I have right now that I may not have later if, by His grace, I am to
be married.
I’ll first acknowledge the struggles that have been particularly
deep for me, and then look at some advantages that have helped me overcome
these struggles.
The Struggles of Being Single
1. Loneliness
This one is obvious. After proclaiming everything to be good
in His creation, God Himself observed that “it is not good that the man should be alone…” (Gen 3:18).
God created us with a need for relationship, not only with Himself, but with
other humans. And God didn’t just leave man alone; in the rest of the verse He
said, “…I will make him a helper fit for him.” God gave us a sense of
emptiness, and gave us the opportunity to fill that emptiness with something
other than ourselves. Personally, I believe God intentionally delayed in
creating woman to show man how much he needed her. We are not here for
ourselves.
But the child of God, even a single one, should not be
characterized by loneliness. Jesus certainly felt this when He was abandoned at the cross as He cried, “My God, my God,
why have You forsaken Me?” (Mt 27:46). In a real sense, He had
been left completely alone to bear the immeasurable burden at Calvary. But
Jesus also understood that in the midst of feeling abandoned, He was not alone.
In John 16:32 He affirmed, “Behold the
hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own
home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me.”
David reminds us that “the LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the
crushed in spirit” (Ps 34:18).
We are never truly alone if the Lord is with us.
2. Discontentment
Sometimes as a single guy, I feel like I don’t have much
direction. I’m just floating, waiting for something to come along and give me
purpose. It’s like I’m still waiting for my life to begin. But in reality, not
only has life begun, but I’m at a critical stage of life that must not be
wasted longing for the next one. There are some days I start to buy into that
singleness-and-happiness-cannot-coexist mindset, and those days are usually the
most miserable and unproductive ones. Self-pity is the enemy of the Christian.
Can you imagine Christ thinking like that?
Paul wasn’t kidding when he said, “Now there is great gain
in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we
cannot take anything out of the world” (1 Tim 6:7). Contentment is something that God expects out of His people. When
His sheep become restless in the green pastures, not only do they miss out on
just how green their surroundings are, but they scorn the tender and infinitely
wise care of the Shepherd that is watching over them. Here’s the way to think:
“…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be
brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have
learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do
all things through him who strengthens me” (Php 4:11-13).
3. Jealousy
This is where it gets hard. This is where being single stops
being just a self-contained struggle, but starts to erode the unity of the body
of Christ. I’ve not been one to think of this as a struggle for me, but recent
tests have proven me wrong. I’ll be honest: it’s hard when you attend the
weddings of those you’ve previously been really close to—it’s just hard. But
there is a calling that we have: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with
those who weep” (Rom 12:15). When we
can learn to honestly, honestly have joy when our brother or
sister receives that which we most deeply desire—that, my brethren, is dying to
self. That is taking up your cross. And that is what following Christ is all about.
If you haven’t seen them, you should read Gary Henry’s
devotionals surrounding this—it’s the June 11 devotional in his book “Reaching
Forward.” You can read it here: http://wordpoints.com/reachingforward/gods-people-give-thanks-june-11/
. I’ve been pricked to the heart about this, and I pray that if this is
something you’re struggling with, you will take it seriously and make your
heart pure before God and your brethren.
Advantages of Being Single
1. Freedom
From what I’ve heard from my married friends, this is one
I’ll appreciate a whole lot more from the other side. As an unattached guy, I
can make most of my decisions without a lot of consultation with others.
Certainly my decisions affect those around me, and I need to tailor my choices
to serve others; but for the most part flying solo I get to call the shots. I
can decide to take crazy road trips to Bible studies at the last minute. I can
drive into the wee hours of the morning as long as I’ve got my Gatorade and
peanut butter crackers. I can fill my schedule with serving the church whenever
is most convenient for them. There are many areas of service that are most
accessible to those not yet married.
Peter lays out this principle in 1 Peter 2:16: “Live as people who are free, not using your
freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God.” If we have
fewer responsibilities to fulfill to a wife or husband, we then have a responsibility
to use the time and energy we have to serve the Lord and His people with that
zeal. So much energy is wasted wallowing in self-pity and wishing we could
hurry up and find someone. How much more effective would we be in the Lord’s
service if we saw being single as an opportunity instead of a
burden?
2. Focus
There are only so many things we can do at once. If we want
to enjoy the wonderful God-given joys of marriage, it’s going to be a huge time
investment. To gain one good opportunity, we will have to give up other good
opportunities. Paul spoke about these things in 1 Cor 7:32-35. “The unmarried man is anxious about the things of
the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly
things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided… I say this… to
secure your undivided attention to the Lord.” It is certainly God’s will for
husbands and wives to be taking time for each other and investing in that
relationship, but that means less time to be doing other good things in the
Lord’s service.
Those who are single have an amazing chance to revel in a
kind of unbridled zeal in pursuing the things of the Lord. There is a purity to
one’s life consisting primarily of one’s self and the Lord. If you have the
opportunity to take advantage of that, don’t take it for granted. Study. Pray.
Use the extra hours in your schedule to dig deep roots in the character of the
Lord Jesus Christ. Learn to “delight yourself in the Lord” (Ps 37:4). You may not get another chance quite like this
after you’re married. And especially after you have kids. You don’t just
magically become more devoted to God after you get married, so make sure you’re
developing into the kind of married person the Lord wants you to be, even while
you’re single.
3. Opportunity to Trust
God has created a world in which both pleasures and pains
are a tremendous blessing to the Christian. We are directed to “count it all
joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know the
testing of your faith produces steadfastness” (Jas 1:2-3). Each emptiness, each hour of loneliness, each
unfulfilled desire is an opportunity to learn to really trust in
God. When we are doing well, like Israel, we so easily and thoughtlessly trust
in ourselves. But the more we hurt, the harder we lean on God. And that is when
we can say, “when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:10).
Tommy Peeler recently said, “God's love for us is more
intense than that of the best parent for a child (Isa 49:15; Matt 7:11). Therefore, we can rest assured that the things that God prohibits
are not forbidden to keep us from enjoying life, but they are given to prevent
us destroying ourselves.” I’ve come to realize that the repeated frustrations
in my relationship efforts may not be God trying to punish me or just so I can
suffer, but to keep me from self-destructing. I don’t know if He’s guided
things like this for that specific purpose (He knows I’m not exactly suave when
it comes to these things—I’ve brought enough on myself), but I do know that
this is an opportunity to learn to wait on the Lord. It is when I
completely let go and give Him my heart that I learn to say, “The Lord is my
Shepherd; I shall not want,” and really mean it.
I’m putting this up on Valentine’s Day because I know that this
is a day of rejoicing for many and a day of misery for others. I feel like I
need to put somewhat of a caveat saying: Um, yeah, I still want to get married.
But God has blessed me SO much to be where I am in life right now. I feel more
content than I have in a very long time, and I wanted to share some of the
things God has used to bring me here in hope that it could help my fellow
singles. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of
mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that
we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort
with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor 1:3-4).
I’ll close with a hymn I wrote over the past few months
after going through some of these things.
All My Longing
All my longing is before You,
Lord, You know my heart’s desire.
Faithful Helper, I implore You:
Be my comfort through the fire.
When frustrations try to shake me,
Lord, You hear my earnest pleas,
Knowing You will not forsake me,
For You are a God who sees.
In Your love You give restriction,
Knowing what will hurt my soul.
It is good to face affliction,
Lord, if You are in control.
Keep my heart from cold resentment
When my brother’s cares are freed.
In Your word I find contentment—
You will tend to every need.
God, in You my heart is mended,
Trusting You makes darkness light
All my longing will be ended,
Lord, when You are my delight.
Ps 38:9; Mt 6:8; Isa 43:2
Ps 94:19; 34:15; Heb 13:5; Gen 16:13
Prov 3:11-12; 1 Pt 5:8; Ps 119:71,75
Gen 4:5-6; 1 Pt 2:1; Php 4:11-13; Mt 6:33
Ps 34:18; Ps 139:11-12; Is 42:16; Ps 37:4
Ps 94:19; 34:15; Heb 13:5; Gen 16:13
Prov 3:11-12; 1 Pt 5:8; Ps 119:71,75
Gen 4:5-6; 1 Pt 2:1; Php 4:11-13; Mt 6:33
Ps 34:18; Ps 139:11-12; Is 42:16; Ps 37:4
No matter where we are in life, may God help us to
completely trust Him!
